For those of you on my feed that are telling me that getting a cc permit is not the best choice for me to make, well let me fill you in on a few things that have lead me to this decision. Which by the way, I have struggled over for a long long time. Not being pro gun fanatic. When I was 12 I was gang raped by three men. Later while in College I was living in NY I was held up at gun point. A year or so after that while finding the subway I was hit across the face a few time by a man long who wanted me to give him some kind of a response to his calling me 'just a white bitch.' Remarkably or not, no one on the train offered any kind of assistance. Not long after that is when two men broke broke into my apartment while I was there and repeatedly rapped me. I have been stalked by and ex girlfriend who took great pains to try to poison my animals and wreak a swath of destruction of my personal property. After each one of these attacks I moved thinking I could find a safe place. Not. The incident Friday night has now pushed me over the edge. It has been my tipping point. No I am not a victim. I am a survivor. The last few hours I have been alternating between tears, anger, despair and the 'why me' of it all. And if one ****ing person out there something like 'why not you' I will go absolutely ballistic. A cute little phrase to make all okay? For who…you? Me? It will not be okay. I am now left with all the terrifying feelings of PTSD and trying to pull myself out of the very depth of the all consuming depression and despair. All that background pain has pushed itself to the fore of my psyche.And those Demons are raging inside me right now. I do not ever want to feel violated again. Ever. Hence the conceal and carry. All I have ever wanted is to feel safe. Safe in my own amhome. And now two separate times has been broken. I have thought about it long and hard. Ever since 1982. I don't know why this **** keeps happening to me. Bad Karma? So a wierdo magnet. Am I supposed to be getting some kind of lesson from all of this. Or is he Universe out to get me? Or God? I don't know if there are answers. I just know I am deeply frightened. I can't think. I can't eat. And I am terrified to be alone. And the worse thing…my neighbor heard me screaming and yelling help and my car alarm going off and did absolutely nothing. That is the kind me of world we live in. No one is willing to help their neighbor, the stranger, their brother of sister, he orphan or the widow. That's why I am going to start carrying a gun.
