The True Mall Ninja

Discussion in 'Off-topic' started by Malum Prohibitum, Aug 4, 2006.

  1. Malum Prohibitum

    Malum Prohibitum Moderator Staff Member

    Shamelessly stolen from Glocktalk:

    The true Mall ninja...

    Originally posted by Steve in PA
    Snagged this from over on SF. Oh my freakin' gawd!!!

    From my Myspace CCW group.

    Hello All.

    I am new to this group; however I am not new to carrying. I have been carrying for awhile now. I have lived my entire life by the traditional Republican values (yes I said I am a Republican and damn proud of it!), the Boy Scout Motto of Be Prepared, and the motto Better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

    I carry six guns. All of them are Glocks in .40 S&@ caliber with Night Sights and are bone stock except for some wolf springs. I carry 2 Glock 22s on my right and left hips in C-Tacs, 2 Glock 23s in my Alessi Bodyguard shoulder holster, 1 Glock 27 on my left ankle, and another Glock 27 in my right hand pocket. I also carry some folding knives. I carry 2 Chris Reeves folding knives, both of them are Sebenzas. I carry the small one in the left hand pocket of my 5.11 Tactical pants. I carry the larger one in the mag pocket on the right hand side with a Glock 22 magazine. I carry another 4 Glock 22 magazines behind the guns on my hips. I carry an extra magazine on a mag pouch on my right hip. I also carry a surefire E2E flashlight clipped onto my left hand pocket. You never know when you will need a light. I am going to be carrying 2 pairs of hand cuffs when I decide on a decent manufacturer and holster (suggestions are wanted). For my commo gear (I wasnt in the military but I adopted some of it into my everyday lingo through many CCW courses) I use a Nextel I560 phone in black (dont want to get the yellow one and give my reflection away in case some BG seems me in an alley) and I have a Pager with Skytel service. I also have a Zippo lighter in case I need to make a torch or something if stuck in a Hurricane Katrina situation. I also carry some OC spray (Fox labs if youre wondering)

    I just wanted to share some of my experiences. I have been carrying a long time. I remember when I got my first permit. I felt ecstatic. It was an awesome responsibility I was ready to deal with. Not to mention I had been trained for it. I took an intensive CCW class that was several hours in length and have taken a few classes since then. I was like a Police Officer on his first shift. I was so happy that I had been granted the right to carry because there needs to be many more CCWers to help bring crime rates down. It is a heavy burden that we as Sheepdogs have to bear to protect the sheeple.

    On my first day CCWing I went on patrol and walked around the entire neighborhood watching things with my hyper sense of awareness. Nobody but other CCWers understands what I am talking about. I walked through the neighborhood and I saw the illegal immigrants sitting on the stoop watching me with a keen eye. I suspect that they were intimidated by my presence (I am 61 and 325 lbs) with a 50 inch waist. I dont understand Spanish but they must have been talking about me.

    As a side note, what does Gordo mean?

    I continued walking and I saw some gangbangers. There were 4 urban youth (read black kids playing basketball with jerseys listening to crap music err I mean rap music) who were probably carrying illegally. They were talking on someones porch. They looked at me and started talking amongst themselves. One of them called me biggie (some sort of respect thing?) and I kept walking.

    As I got further into town I realized I needed to recharge my batteries with some food. I got myself a burrito at the local store. It was being worked by illegals (they are everywhere arent they?) but they make some damn good burritos and nachos. I got a huge super burrito (the kind that are football size) and some nachos with extra cheese and jalapenos. A large soda would wash that down nicely. I brought my food to the table and then got up to fill my soda (it was a self serve soda fountain) when some illegal immigrant gangbanger drug dealers walked in. One of them looked at me and I knew I was in for some trouble. They were probably packing guns. Gangbangers always pack lorcins and hi-points and not quality tactical gear. I made eye contact to let them know that I am hyper aware and that they will not be getting past me should something go down. Those stupid illegal immigrant gangbangers would regret messing with me.

    Sure enough they called me a racist name. (Only white people can be racist, stupid racist illegal loving liberals!). I ignored it because I never start trouble when I am CCWing. I just waited in line for the soda machine when one of them pushed me. He wasnt strong enough to push my 345 lb frame. I told him not to touch me and took a defensive posture. I read about it on some tactical forums. Its one Navy SEALs use when going into close quarters combat. (I am not a SEAL or a veteran but I train just as hard with my CCW.) My CCW instructor approved of it and I told the illegal scumbag gangbanger that I would use force to defend myself and my family (who were not there, they dont patrol the neighborhood with me) if he should continue his attack.

    They laughed and pushed me again. I pushed back. I threw my weight into it and pushed him into some tables. His other stupid Mexican illegal immigrant friend started saying something in Spanish and he put his hand into his pocket. I reached for the Glock 22 on my right hip and drew. The illegal immigrant took his hand out of his pocket and I told him to get down on the ground. Then I told his buddies to do the same thing. I then proceeded to handcuff the one who pushed me and the bigger of the other two. I then put on some Hatch Cooltac gloves and searched them. All of the employees in the store and the customers started clapping and cheering for me.

    Bu not one to neglect my civic duty I had to keep a close eye and my Glock on the other one until my backup arrived. The responding officers came in with their guns drawn and ready to do some wet work. I laughed as once they saw me they put their guns away and I holstered mine. They proceeded to laugh once they saw I had the situation under complete control. They asked my advice on guns and we talked. I told them how I considered law enforcement at one point but I felt the job wasnt my forte. They didnt cuff me or anything and just took a statement. One of them even offered to buy me lunch and I got the number of one of the female officers who responded to the man with a gun call. When will the liberal anti-gunners learn that people like me are able to handle ourselves and act as sheepdogs for them (the sheeple)? Anyway we are going to the range and I am going to show her how to shoot. She also expressed getting her CCW permit. Luckily I have a lot of training and know a lot of people so she will probably taking a class where she will learn to think tactically.

    After about 10 minutes of questioning from the cops I was ready to hit the streets again. I continued to walk down the street and check the neighborhood out. I decided that I should probably check the local Dunkin Donuts / Baskin Robbins out. I wanted to stop and rest my tired feet but as a civic minded CCWer I would not shirk my god given responsibilities to protect the neighborhood. I went in and got myself an extra large Peanut Butter and Chocolate malt. As I waited for the ******* to make my malt I noticed one of the officers I saw at the burrito shop. He nodded at me and I sat down at the table next to him. He told me what a good job I did and how much he loved responsible CCWers. I told him that it was just the training from my CCW classes. The whole You default to your level of training thing. He was very impressed and said I would make a fine tac-officer (SWAT for all you non-LEO types). Then he offered to pay for my malt as the ******* guy who worked there called out my order.

    That was just one of my many forays into the streets. What made it unique was that it was my first day CCWing. Since then I have become an old hand when it comes to CCWing. I just wanted to share what my first day was like.
  2. pro2am

    pro2am New Member

    ahem...well....this reminds me of that book that a bunch of journalists wrote with the express goal of writing a piece of literary trash. The name of the book escapes me, but this thread almost makes me want to sit down and write some more of the "story".

  3. Malum Prohibitum

    Malum Prohibitum Moderator Staff Member

    There is actually a part 2 over there at Glocktalk, but I did not think it was as funny or as subtle as part one, so I did not cut and paste it.
  4. ICP_Juggalo

    ICP_Juggalo Professional Troll

    I'm sorry, was that supposed to be a joke?

    No offense MP.

    It looks as if some anti-ccw nut job typed that up. Guess its my dry sense of humor...
  5. Gunstar1

    Gunstar1 Administrator

    Me too, I got half way through it and had to start over because the beginning did not match the middle.
  6. gunsmoker

    gunsmoker Lawyer and Gun Activist

    A Nugget of Wisdom

    In this Walter Mitty-esque fantasy tale, there is at least a nugget of wisdom. Here is the relevant part that everybody ought to take to heart:

    ...I ignored it because I never start trouble when I am CCWing.
  7. Taler

    Taler New Member


    I think the novel you're recollecting pro2am, is/was "naked came the stranger," a hilarious piece of pure trash collaboratively written to prove that pure crap could get published... and people would buy it.
  8. pro2am

    pro2am New Member

    THAT'S IT! Thanks. Hey...we could start our own with this story...whaddya think?
  9. Archangel

    Archangel Moderator Staff Member

    Ah whatever happened to ye olde mall ninja?
  10. XshootX

    XshootX New Member

    He walked out of the Dunkin' Donuts and had a heart attack. Funeral was last week.
  11. Adam5

    Adam5 Atlanta Overwatch

    Is Gecko45 back?
  12. DecepticonDon

    DecepticonDon New Member

    That can't be a real dude.

    "what does Gordo mean?"
    "One of them called me biggie"
  13. zetor

    zetor Active Member

    That might be the funniest thing I've ever read.
    What chuckles me even more than the content of your post is the fact that so few have responded. Normally when you post ANYTHING, people just swallow it up and give you Atta-boys.

    :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

    What might that mean :lol:

    I don't think it's an anti.
    Mall ninjas do exist
    Mall ninjas WILL have a ccw if they are eligible.

    I don't think an anti would be as (I hate to say it) in touch with the mall ninja culture.
    Nope, I think a level headed gun toter is the author. Naah I'm certain..
  14. AeroShooter

    AeroShooter New Member

    My favorite is the one where he tactically soils himself.
  15. jdh31313

    jdh31313 New Member

    This sounds like a cheesy 1980's action adventure movie staring some washed actor that probably just keeps his finger in the trigger guard / on the trigger the whole time and never runs out of ammo.
  16. AeroShooter

    AeroShooter New Member

    What a crenulated bezel? Is it anything like a crenellated bezel?
  17. slabertooch

    slabertooch New Member




    Oh different kind of cheesy 1980's movie...