Sorry, But i have to lighten my mood

Discussion in 'Off-topic' started by Adam5, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. Adam5

    Adam5 Atlanta Overwatch

    This was e-mailed from a friend.

    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? ? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three-second burst would be considered conservative?

    SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    "If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."
  2. AeroShooter

    AeroShooter Active Member


  3. SigP229

    SigP229 Active Member

    You have to supply your SS# to buy a Taser. Think our local Probate judges own the company :lol:
  4. Sharky

    Sharky Active Member

    funny story.
  5. GunNut

    GunNut New Member

    Depends on your perspective...I was at a get-together 15 or so years ago when those first starting becoming popular. Let me just say, alcohol and those taser devices is not a good combination.

    I don't know (or may remember) how many volts/battery type the one someone brought was...but I will say it was enough.
  6. Tinkerhell

    Tinkerhell Active Member

    that was freaking hilarious. thanks for that laugh!
  7. JiG

    JiG Awaiting censure

    Gracie: "Don't taser me bro"

    Good story.
  8. VolGrad

    VolGrad Tactical Statistician

    OMG - I am in tears. The story was even funnier when I thought it was YOU that did this little experiment. I only skimmed the first part when I read it the first time. Now I want one.
  9. SigP229

    SigP229 Active Member

    I had spoken with the customer service folks at Taser and they said that they wouldn't activate the weapon unless you supplied your SS#
  10. Thorsen

    Thorsen New Member

    That was so funny I had people wondering what was wrong with me as I was trying to stifle my laughter here at the office.
  11. Riverbend

    Riverbend New Member

    Thanks for the belly laugh

    Your word smithing is of the utmost, I could see it as it happened with yourt graphic description. I went into deep belly laughs every sentenance after you first applied the "1" second burst. :lol:
    I saw a guy do that at a gunshow years ago when stun guns first came out. It was at the Farmers Mkt and a guy about 6 tables down was handeling one and ask the dealer about it and he said he "doubted" :?: it would do that much being battery operated. Well he did it and his "1" second burst from a 100,000 volt had him sprawled out on the floor, :twisted: pissing, hollering and winding up in that classic fetal position. Your story revived that distant memory. Thanks, it made my afternoon. :ttiwwp:
  12. VolGrad

    VolGrad Tactical Statistician

    I would bet the newbies haven't seen this one. This one was so dang funny I cried. I re-read it every now and then when I need a laugh.
  13. gunsmoker

    gunsmoker Lawyer and Gun Activist

    Two Points

    I'm a firm believer in experimenting. My ancestors must come from Missouri, because I'm always saying "SHOW ME" or "PROVE IT" or "let's try it and see."

    But you know, sometimes it's better to read about the real-world experiments of others than to conduct them yourself (on yourself!)
  14. DisplacedTexan

    DisplacedTexan Guest

    Holy crap that was funny!!!
  15. CoolHand

    CoolHand Active Member

    There was a guy in my old Marine unit that found a stun gun under the seat of the old 260z he'd just bought. The genius decided to try to wire it to his transmission tunnel to electrify the cars body. It worked. He overlooked the fact that the seat springs were exposed through holes in the seat covers. He screamed, hollered, and bounced around the inside of the car for about 2 minutes til he managed to shut the thing off.

    We'd tried to tell him it was a bad idea. Like many other occasions he did not listen. :roll: :twisted: :lol:
  16. goldshellback

    goldshellback New Member

    I got smart and put my coffee down first.

    That was funny!
  17. mwallen56

    mwallen56 New Member

    ok im wiping the tears from my eyes now... great writing, that story! One guy came to check on me here at work...
  18. shagwag3n

    shagwag3n New Member

    read this a yr or two ago. funny stuff.