Somebody said something about Irish jokes?

Discussion in 'Off-topic' started by gsusnake, Jul 11, 2007.

  1. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

    A different bar.



    A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
    The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
     
  2. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.
     

  3. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    Before any of ya other Micks here even consider getting offended, mom's maiden name is O'Callaghan and dad's parents emigrated from the Mother country.
     
  4. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk in to a bar, sit down, and each order a pint of Guinness.

    They all get their pints and take a sip, then turn their attention to the rugby match on the TV in the corner. Just then, a fly lands in each one of their drinks.

    The Englishman looks at his pint in disgust, pushes it back towards the publican, and asks for another.

    The Scotsman looks at his pint, picks the fly out, throws it at the Englishman with a few choice words, and continues drinking.

    The Irishman reaches into his pint, takes the fly out, holds it over the glass, and says...


















    "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"
     
  5. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
     
  6. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

    It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
     
  7. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
     
  8. gsusnake

    gsusnake Token Liberal Hippie

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    Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country."

    SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance."

    Paddy replies, "No, no,we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."

    So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time."

    So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport."

    Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope".

    "Hold on a sec, Mr.Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting."

    So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

    So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that."

    "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old Austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor."

    "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all."

    So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting."

    "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."

    SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?"

    "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30."

    Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting."

    "I will", says Paddy, "I will."

    "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all."

    "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?"

    "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
     
  9. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

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    Pat and Mike are just off the ship from the Olde Country and staying in a hotel room in New York City.

    Mike is looking out the window at the wonderful and wonderus sights when he spys two horse-drawn fire apparatus clattering down the street.

    The horses are straining at their traces, their shoes striking sparks from the cobblestones, the drivers are swearing at the top of their lungs and the engineers are stoking the fireboxes of the steam-powered pumpers for all their might. Smoke and flame are billowing out the short stacks and reaching for the clouds.

    "Pat! Pat! Come quickly lad an see fer yerself! They're moving hell and two sections have just passed us by!"

    One of Uncle Joe's favorites... :lol:
     
  10. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

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    Mulligan finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"

    Mulligan scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.

    Mulligan was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

    :roll:
     
  11. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

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    "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.

    "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

    "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

    The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

    "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."

    Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.

    "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

    "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

    "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.

    What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

    "Ah, well now," said the lady,

    "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

    :roll:
     
  12. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

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    Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark.

    "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!"

    "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?"

    "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"





    "T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke yet!!"





    What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

    The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.




    Why did God invent whiskey?
    So the Irish would never rule the world.





    :rotfl2:
     
  13. M249

    M249 New Member

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  14. budder

    budder Moderator Staff Member

    That's awesome.
     
  15. gunsmoker

    gunsmoker Lawyer and Gun Activist

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    Contrast

    Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishman's funeral?

    A: At the funeral there's one less drunk.

    Submitted by the great-great-grandson of Katie McMahon, of County Cork.
     
  16. slabertooch

    slabertooch New Member

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    Amen brother amen
     
  17. AeroShooter

    AeroShooter Active Member

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    Three men, one Irish, one Jewish, one Greek, die and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says: "Guys, you had such potential but were wasting it when you cut down in the prime of your lives. Here's what we're going to do: We're going to send you back. There are a few conditions. You, Irishman, You've been hard on your liver with all your drinking and what not. Even try getting drunk once -boom- you're back here." Looks at the Jewish guy, "You, lay off the money, you don't need to own to whole world now do you." To the Greek he says, "and you! What's with all the sex all the time! Even think about having sex once, and you're back here" And in an instant, all three are back on earth. As they walk down the street, they pass a bar. The foot of the Irishman turned ever so slightly to wards the bar and *POOF* he was gone. A little further down the road, the Jewish guy spots a dollar bill. He bends over to pick it up and *POOF* the Greek disappears.