An Old Sailor An Old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins. "How am I doing?" He asks. "Three knots,"she replies. "Three knots? What's that mean?" "You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back." The Stowaway A Rhode Island blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Narragansett Bay off of the Jamestown Bridge. She went up to the middle of the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy." The blonde nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. "Meanwhile" , she says coyly, "he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)." "He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Block Island Ferry!!" Three-Car Accident There's a guy from the Army driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the Navy was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Navy guy walks over to the Army and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Army guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends." The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Navy and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the Army guy and says, "Your turn! The Army guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up." Typical Officer Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!" Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!" Uncle Bob The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy." She's been ignoring Little Johnny as long as she could because whenever he raises his hand, she just knows he's going to say something really bad, but as he was the only kid with his hand up, she had to call on him. Bracing herself for the worst, she asks, "Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." Five Most Dangerous Sayings in the Army 1. A private saying, "I learned this in Basic..." 2. A sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..." 3. A second lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..." 4. A captain saying, "I was just thinking..." 5. A warrant officer chuckling and saying, "Hold my beer and watch this..."