Just for Gunny - old (very old) military jokes...

Discussion in 'Off-topic' started by Macktee, Sep 11, 2007.

  1. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

    An Old Sailor

    An Old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

    "How am I doing?" He asks.

    "Three knots,"she replies.

    "Three knots? What's that mean?"

    "You're not hard, you're not in and you're not getting your money back."

    The Stowaway

    A Rhode Island blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to
    end her life by throwing herself into the Narragansett Bay off of the
    Jamestown Bridge.

    She went up to the middle of the bridge and was about to leap into
    the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."

    The blonde nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have
    to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
    lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he
    brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
    the Captain. "What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
    get free food and a trip to Europe. "Meanwhile" , she says coyly, "he's
    taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."

    "He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Block Island

    Three-Car Accident

    There's a guy from the Army driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the Navy was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.

    In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

    The Navy guy walks over to the Army and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Army guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

    The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

    He says to the Navy and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the Army guy and says, "Your turn! The Army guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.

    The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

    Typical Officer

    Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

    Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

    Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "No, SIR!"

    Uncle Bob

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story Lucy." She's been ignoring Little Johnny as long as she could because whenever he raises his hand, she just knows he's going to say something really bad, but as he was the only kid with his hand up, she had to call on him.

    Bracing herself for the worst, she asks, "Johnny do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Don't :censored: with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

    Five Most Dangerous Sayings in the Army

    1. A private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

    2. A sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

    3. A second lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

    4. A captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

    5. A warrant officer chuckling and saying, "Hold my beer and watch this..."

  2. budder

    budder Moderator Staff Member

    As if the AF would be that smart! Too unrealistic; couldn't laugh.

  3. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

    The one making sport of second lieutenants hit a little close to me. I tried to keep my mouth shut and ask my sargent for advice. It seemed to work, except when I forgot to do it that way...

  4. Thorsen

    Thorsen New Member

    Exactly. When I was a newly minted 2Lt I pulled my platoon sgt off to the side (a man with over twenty years and Vietnam War experience) and told him:

    "I am going to listen to you because you have been doing this a hell of a lot longer than me. If I step on my :censored: and you let me do it without any guidance or counseling you get part of the backlash. That means that you also get to pull me aside and privately tell me when I am screwing up and don't have to worry about keeping my feelings from getting hurt."

    He told me he never had an officer tell him that and from that point on he gave me good counsel and on at least one occasion I can remember chewed my ass out pretty damn good (I deserved it). It worked out well for both of us.
  5. USMC - Retired

    USMC - Retired Active Member

    Know the difference between a PFC and a 2nd lt?

    A PFC has been promoted once.
  6. Macktee

    Macktee New Member

    I tended to listen to sergeants, most of whom had been in the army longer than I'd been alive. Besides, I soon figured out they were going to do whatever they wanted no matter what I said or did, so why make things difficult for myself?

    In Military Leadership class, we took one test I still remember. This is it, almost word-for-word:

    You're a 2nd Lt. with a sergeant and 10 enlisted. You're responsible for having the parade ground ready for a MAJOR VIP visit and review in less than five hours. You discover the 70' flagpole has fallen to the ground. What do you do? What are your orders (You may use the back of this sheet if you need additional space.)

    The answer...

    The correct answer...

    The ONLY correct answer......

    Did you come up with it?

    I did!

    "Sergeant. Take care of that flagpole."

    I was one of only a few of us who got it correct!!!

  7. budder

    budder Moderator Staff Member

    I know the answer to that one and I've never been in the .mil!
  8. slabertooch

    slabertooch New Member

    A Marine and an Army guy walk into the men's room and use the urinals. After the soldier gets done he zips up and walks to the faucet to wash his hands, but the Marine just starts to walk out the door.

    "When I went to boot camp they taught me to wash my hands after I use the bathroom." says the soldier.

    The Marine stops and looks at him and says.
    "Yeah! Well when I went to boot camp they taught me not to piss on my hands."
  9. slabertooch

    slabertooch New Member

    And my personal favorite, relayed to me by a Marine when I was in high school talking about SEALS

    A thousand Squids layed down their swabs to lick one sick Marine

    A thousand more stood on the shore, and said it was the best fight they'd ever seen!
  10. AeroShooter

    AeroShooter Active Member

    How each branch of service secures a building:

    Army - An infantry platoon moves in and digs foxholes around the perimeter. Nothing gets near without permission. In the lobby, a specialist with S-1 sets up a field desk and begins filling out paperwork.

    Marines - A detachment breaches all entrances simultaneously and moves expeditiously through out all the rooms, eliminating hostiles with ruthless efficiency.

    Navy - Turns off the lights & locks the doors.

    Air Force - Leases the building for 20 years.
  11. cdtracing

    cdtracing New Member

    I guess I need to throw one out there to.

    Military Rules For A Gunfight

    U.S. Marine Corps Rules:

    1. Be polite, be professional. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
    3. Have a plan.
    4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
    5. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
    7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading and running.
    9. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
    10. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
    11. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

    Navy SEALS Rules:
    1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
    2. Kill every living thing within view.
    3. Adjust speedo.
    4. Check hair in mirror.

    U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
    1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
    2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
    3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
    4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
    5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

    U.S. Army Rules:
    1. Select a new beret to wear.
    2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
    3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

    US Air Force Rules:
    1. Have a cocktail.
    2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
    3. See what's on HBO.
    4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
    5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
    6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
    7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
    8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
    9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

    US Navy Rules:
    1. Go to Sea.
    2. Drink Coffee.
    3. Watch porn.
    4. Deploy the Marines.
  12. Malum Prohibitum

    Malum Prohibitum Moderator Staff Member

    They do not carry the Beretta?
  13. cdtracing

    cdtracing New Member

    Unfortunely, but they are slowly switching back to the 1911.
  14. AeroShooter

    AeroShooter Active Member

    and in the Army -- twice!

    My Godfather (ret Colonel, Korea) always considered budder-bars to be overpayed privates
  15. budder

    budder Moderator Staff Member

    I gave out no such things!
  16. Mobster989

    Mobster989 New Member

    90% of the work is done by 10% of the people. That 10% consists mostly of junior NCOs and enlisted. :p

    Seriously, we don't need officers past major.