!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Discussion in 'Off-topic' started by USMC - Retired, May 11, 2006.

  1. USMC - Retired

    USMC - Retired New Member

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    Research on bread indicates that:

    1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

    2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

    3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

    4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

    5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

    6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

    7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

    8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

    9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

    10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

    11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

    12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

    In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

    1. No sale of bread to minors.

    2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

    3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

    4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

    5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
     
  2. Malum Prohibitum

    Malum Prohibitum Moderator Staff Member

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    I want to know who "proved" number 5.
     

  3. USMC - Retired

    USMC - Retired New Member

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    The name of the person who proved Number 5 is being withheld to protect him from the PETAfiles.
     
  4. Gunstar1

    Gunstar1 Administrator

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    No that is not enough:
    As little kids can easily get into twist ties, all bread must be locked up in a bread box.

    Schools must adopt Zero Tolerance for bread! Any lunch brought to school will be checked for bread. If found the student will be suspended.

    Get the CDC to conduct studies on the health effects of being exposed to bread (aka second-hand bread).

    Also since only 1lb is deadly to mice, how much is deadly to humans??

    You only need 2 slices to make a sandwich, why sell a whole loaf? We must have limits on how much bread can be sold at one time.

    The "Saturday night special" of breads, white bread needs to be banned outright.

    Anyone commiting a crime while carrying or eating a sandwich gets an extra 5 years in jail.

    You must also get a permit to carry or eat bread out side of your home, car or business.
     
  5. USMC - Retired

    USMC - Retired New Member

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    !!!Late Breaking News!!!

    It has been revealed that Bread's major components (grain, yeast and water) are also the major components of Beer! The BATFE is expected to begin crackdown operations against bakeries across the country soon!
     
  6. Malum Prohibitum

    Malum Prohibitum Moderator Staff Member

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    The main ingredient in white bread is Elmer's Glue.


    :puke:
     
  7. gunsmoker

    gunsmoker Lawyer and Gun Activist

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    Malum, you deserve some kind of recognition for excellent use of the little smiley things. Nice! (Okay, now you can consider yourself recognized)
     
  8. USMC - Retired

    USMC - Retired New Member

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    Was thinking about this thread and decided to go for the "Thread Necromancer" title...
     
  9. Martholomew

    Martholomew New Member

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    These seemingly hysterical bullet points are actually closer to the mark than you might think. White bread, along with high fructose corn syrup, water in plastic bottles, and ordinary table salt now constitute a rogues gallery of dietary boogeymen conjured up by our betters in the halls of government. Just look at Nanny Bloomberg's high capacity soda ban.
     
  10. 357smith

    357smith Member

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    They should ban bread!
    Maybe they can throw that in with the proposed "Assault Weapons Ban"?
     
  11. Verbal101

    Verbal101 Active Member

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    Combine bread with more than 12 ounces of soda and you have the potential for an explosive situation. Consider this situation:

    A man leaves his house on Saturday morning. He stops en route for a Hardees biscuit, which contains bread, and a 32 ounce cup of Mountain Dew. He then proceeds to the gun show.

    We are through the looking glass here, people. This is happening right under our noses.
     
  12. EagleEye920

    EagleEye920 Member

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    So, if we have buckets of grain in the basement, a wheat grinder, and make bread from scratch, are we classified as radical right wing bread nuts?