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PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·

PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surpriseâ€... the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?†she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

“Please sir,†says the waiter, “what you order?â€

The husband replies, “Chicken Surpriseâ€.

(You’re going to love this, and you’re going to hate yourself for loving it!...)

“Ah! So sorry, “says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Dck .â€

PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
A little Poem, So True It Hurts

**Another year has passed***
**And we're all a little older.**
**Last summer felt hotter**
**And winter seems much colder.***

**There was a time not long ago***
**When life was quite a blast.**
**Now I fully understand**
**About 'Living in the Past'**
**We used to go to weddings,**
**Football games and lunches.**
**Now we go to funeral homes**
**And after-funeral brunches.***

**We used to have hangovers,***
**From parties that were gay.**
**Now we suffer body aches**
**And wile the night away.***

**We used to go out dining,***
**And couldn't get our fill.**
**Now we ask for doggie bags,**
**Come home and take a pill.***

**We used to often travel***
**To places near and far.**
**Now we get sore asses**
**From riding in the car.***

**We used to go to nightclubs***
**And drink a little booze.**
**Now we stay home at night**
**And watch the evening news.**

**That, my friend is how life is,***
**And now my tale is told.**
**So, enjoy each day and live it up...**
**_Before you're too damned old!!_****


PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , people who live in or are from northeast Alabama , north Georgia , Kentucky , Tennessee and West Virginia will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES'.
You must now refer to them as:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a ’LOW COST PROVIDER.'

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN.â€
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' He develops a case of
(Don’t you love this one?)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

(friend sent this to me via email)

PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Flowers...2nd attempt...
(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to Obama Flowers, My name is Trina. How can I help you?
(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the website. It should be fixed by the end of November. But I can help you.
(Customer) Thanks, I ordered a "Spring Bouquet" for our anniversary, and wanted it delivered to my wife.(Receptionist Interrupting) Sir, "Spring Bouquets" do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with Red Roses.
(Customer) But I have always ordered "Spring Bouquets", done it for years, my wife likes them.(Receptionist) Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them.
(Customer) Well, how much are they?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package.
(Customer) What's the difference?
(Receptionist) 6, 12,18 or 24 Red Roses.
(Customer) The Silver package may be okay, how much is it?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, what is you monthly income?
(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out of pocket cost will be. But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our Flower Aid department.(Customer) Flower Aid?
(Receptionist) Yes, Flowers are a Right, everyone has a right to flowers. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.(Customer) Who said they were a Right?
(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding Flowers as a Right.
(Receptionist) It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but ObamaFlowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court Ruled it a "Tax". Taxes are Constitutional. But we feel it is a Right.
(Customer) I don't believe this...
(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the flowers this year.
(Receptionist) In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income.
(Customer) Why?
(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.
(Customer) WHAT? Your can't charge me for NOT buying flowers!
(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....
(Customer)interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $9.50..
(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.
(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.
(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.
(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone your are using.
(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?
(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates sir(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)
(Receptionist) That would be the IRS sir. Thanks for calling Obama Flowers, have a nice day...and God Bless America.

PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
* Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
* Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
SO - Allow me to explain...
Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the crap?
Your choice is coming in November. Don't miss the opportunity.

1,254 Posts

PawPaw x 3
9,181 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing.
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